An Imposter at NASA
By Gentry Patterson
An imposter at NASA
It’s the summer of 2019, and I am waiting for my fraud to be uncovered. I’m wearing a suit- part of my disguise- and the sizing isn’t quite right. I shift uncomfortably in my seat. My coworkers are arguing over which satellite’s data we should use to measure the extent of flooding in our target region, and their sentences are peppered with acronyms and technical jargon as foreign to my vocabulary as Swahili. I could stop them to ask what they mean, but good lord, I’d have to stop them twelve times a minute. Too risky. They’d know I’m an imposter for sure.
Unable to fully understand what’s being discussed, my mind begins to wander, first to the absurdity of my situation, and then to possible remedies. Maybe I could sign up for some Remote Sensing courses online, work extra at home, and catch up to speed? There are some reports from last year’s projects, maybe if I read those I’ll have a better idea of what’s going on. Or at least learn enough to sound like I know what I’m talking about- that should buy me some time. If I can make it to the end of the summer without being found out, I’ll be okay.
As I’m pondering these strategies, the din of conversation around me draws to a pause. Shit! I snap back to reality. They just asked for my opinion. My mind races. I try to buy a few more seconds to think.
“Oh sorry, what did you just ask me?”
“I was just asking for your opinion. Do you think we should use C band or L band SAR imagery?”
My mind continues to race. I don’t even know what SAR imagery is. What are bands? How can I possibly contribute to this conversation in a meaningful way? I decide to fall back on a reliable deflection- I ask a clarifying question, carefully, so as not to reveal my complete lack of expertise.
“Well, I’m not sure. Which one does our team have more experience working with?”
My coworkers look at each other for a moment, and my heart skips a beat. Was that a stupid question? I bet they all have extensive experience with both types or bands or whatever they are. I feel a compulsion to sprint to the nearest computer and read an article about SAR imagery, so that I can know how bad I just messed up. I can see Scott begin to say something. I brace for the worst.
“I’ve actually never worked with any kind of SAR at all. What about you, Valerie?”
Valerie is our team lead. She smiles. “Me either.” She chuckles and adds, “I actually just learned about it this morning from some materials the Center Lead emailed to me.”
Waves of relief wash over me as the feeling of imminent danger subsides. While it’s true that I still have no idea what they’re talking about, it’s going to be alright. I’m just a day of reading behind on this topic, and no one will be surprised or upset at me for that. It’s time to go learn about SAR.
——
SAR, or Synthetic Aperture Radar, is just one of many things I learned about during the summer I interned at NASA. Through a harrowing few weeks of bumbling my way through conversations like the one above, I learned about all kinds of things. I learned how to use satellites to look through tree cover and find evidence of water. I learned how to build interesting, useful models with many different types of data. I learned a lot of things, but the most important thing I learned was not related to space at all.
It was a few weeks into the summer when our Center Lead invited us all into the conference room for a “Lunch and Learn”. We dutifully grabbed our paper bags and coolers and headed over, pulling up chairs around a large white conference table, nibbling on our food while she set up the projector and plugged in her laptop. The title slide of her presentation sprang to life on the canvas screen, blurry at first and then focusing as the projector finished calibrating. I squinted to read the words illuminated in front of me. Imposter Syndrome- Why you might feel like a fraud, and how to thrive in spite of it.
Imposter syndrome. The feeling that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be. The feeling that you don’t belong where you are, and that you only got there through dumb luck. The feeling that you’re a phony, and that at any moment, someone is going to discover your fraud. In short, the feeling that I had been consumed by for the entire summer.
As it turns out, I wasn’t alone. Over the course of the presentation and our subsequent group discussion, I came to learn that even my most confident peers felt like a fish out of water at times. Two or three of my coworkers voiced thoughts that were word for word identical to thoughts that had crossed through my own mind in the previous weeks. It was surreal. These were the very people that I had feared.
Thus I learned my first, very important lesson about imposter syndrome. You’re not alone! Believe it or not, even the most successful people in the history of mankind have dealt with this feeling. A month before his death, Albert Einstein told a friend that he felt “compelled to think of [himself] as an involuntary swindler.” After publishing her 11th book, Maya Angelou confessed to thinking, “Uh oh, they're going to find out now. I've run a game on everybody and they're going to find me out.” No one is immune.
It’s easy to see the successes of those around us, but much harder to see the internal struggles and private mistakes of those same individuals. We only know what those people tell us- at best, an edited version of events biased in favor of the positive things. The reverse is true for ourselves. Our faults and failings live at the forefront of our minds. As someone once put it, we see other people’s highlight reels. For ourselves, we tend to focus on the bloopers.
For me, the second lesson about imposter syndrome was a reminder: no one is perfect. And a follow-up: perfection itself is unachievable. As a perfectionist myself, this pill was a hard one to swallow. I had to realize that by making excessively high goals, I had just been setting myself up for disappointment, self-doubt, and worry about measuring up when I inevitably missed the mark. I had to realize that I don’t have to be perfect to be valuable. Mistakes are natural. It’s better to make mistakes, take them in stride, and move forward with things than to be paralyzed by fear of imperfection, never taking action at all. As another wise person once put it, you can’t let perfection be the enemy of “good enough”.
That’s another important lesson- while you may not be perfect, you are good enough! Self-deception isn’t even necessary to take this to heart. Just a reorganization of your thinking, and a tiny bit of effort towards documentation. One of the best ways to combat the feeling of imposter syndrome is to document your accomplishments and celebrate your successes.
I do this every day in a small notebook. Yes, it sounds silly, but trust me, it works. At the end of the day, I write down a couple of things I’m proud of myself for doing, even if it’s only small stuff. Today I did all the laundry. When I finish writing this article, I’ll write that down too. After some time, you’ll end up with a little bit of physical proof that you aren’t so useless as your memory tends to suggest. A book full of small accomplishments is a pretty potent antidote to your “blooper reel”.
Another thing it behooves you to remember is that you will never know everything. I struggle with this one as well: measuring my own competence by the yardstick of “what” and “how much” I know related to the task at hand. I almost didn’t even apply to the NASA job because I didn’t meet every requirement. My GPA was a shy 0.01 above the cutoff. I didn’t know what a couple of the required skills even were. But thanks to the encouragement of my friends and family, I applied anyway, and I got the job!
There’s always more to learn, and having skills and knowledge will never hurt you. However, constantly seeking out job training and certifications and things like that can in fact become a type of procrastination. It’s far better to accept the fact that you are human, and not be afraid to ask questions when you need to, even if it means stopping that person 12 times a minute. Painful the first time, but worth it in the end.
There are many ways in which imposter syndrome can manifest itself, but the most important thing to remember is that it’s just a feeling. A common feeling. Speak up when you have questions, celebrate your successes, and don’t be afraid of making mistakes. You may not be perfect, but you are good enough, and that’s what matters.
——
After that presentation laid my fears of being "found out" to rest, I found myself achieving things I had never thought possible before. At one point, we needed to analyze some data using software provided by the European Space Agency. Before, this would have prompted a moment of fear- am I supposed to know how to use this stuff? If I ask, will it reveal my lack of experience? However, newly empowered, I didn't hesitate to speak up.
“I’ve never used any kind of ESA software. Do any of you guys have experience with it?”
From everyone, even my team lead, the answer was a resounding no. Excited by this, I spoke with fresh confidence.
“OK team, no worries, I'll figure it out.” And I did!
I asked my Center Lead questions when I got stuck. I let my team know when I was struggling with one of the application's tools. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, exposing my lack of expertise to everyone, and as a consequence, I was able to actually focus on learning and contributing, instead of acting like I knew what was going on.
These kinds of exchanges occurred often in the following weeks. We quickly figured out who could do what, and by the end of the summer, our project had been chosen among dozens across the nation as the highlight project of the term. Our partners in El Salvador and Guatemala were thrilled with our work. We presented our research in DC to the directors of the program, and Valerie won an award for excellence. By every measure, we were a success, and unlike the success of my past, this one was special. This one, I knew, was real.
Gentry Patterson is an American writer and cartographer living in Birmingham, Alabama. He loves to be outside and enjoys spending time with a good book.
